Abbey Amendments
by Free Thought
Summary: A drabble compilation of comical events that happened to Liswano of Southsward at Redwall Abbey between the end of "The Journey Home" and "The Sword and His Flowers." Rated T for language and crass comments. (Short tales, mini-series)
1. Throw Down

**Author's Note: Okay, here's the deal. There's a little blurb of time between _The Journey Home_ and _The Sword and His Flowers_ that is not covered in either of those stories. That coupled with the requests I've gotten _demanding_ more of Lis' character, I've devised a little mini-series about the Southsward Fighters and their time at Redwall prior to TSAHF. It's going to be told in first person from Lis' POV, so expect some (or lots) crass humour and possibly (inevitably) inappropriate comments. :P**

**Disclaimer: I do not own anything to do with the Redwall Series (they are owned by Brian Jacques), however there are original characters who are inarguably of my own design.**

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**Throw Down**  
_Liswano_

Under normal circumstances, I didn't mind the odd assembly. Sure, they were all pomp and mop, but in the end there was always a feast which always made up for standing around, even if it was for hours and hours and hours and hours… and hours and hours and hours and hours… and hours. Many times I stood up with my family at all different gatherings for either Carminackian or Southswardian events and had become quite the master of sleeping standing up. It's actually easy once you get the hang of it; you just brace your legs, lock your knees and keep your paws clasped behind your back for balance. Your head will drop forward, and that's okay- makes you look more solemn anyhow. And stop giving me that look of disappointment- I wasn't the only one who did it. Lars taught me how to do it after all and who the 'Gates do you think taught him, eh? Ya, if Pop didn't have to do so much talking at those bloody things, he'd be dozing right along with us.

Yet that was in Southsward where I was all swagger and had at least a pawful of maidens batting eyes at me and a pair picked out for a good tumble after I was wined and dined. See why it was not such a big deal to me? Minor inconvenience made easy by a snooze followed by a full belly and an empty sack. Worth every blasted moment I had to wear those fine-trimmed mantles and silver links of state, if you ask me.

But this… this assembly was at Redwall Abbey; and not just any assembly at that- nope this one was the Convocation of the Novices. The feast and some music were on the card for after the ceremonies, there were a few things corrupting my system. First off, there was no extravagant fineries to gawk at, no performances between speeches to hold my attention and above all, I couldn't get my nap in with the depressing display before my eyes.

It was quite literally a parade of death. One by one the daisies of spring walked past us from our vantage point on the east side of the Great Hall. Colours from the stained glass windows bathed them in the warmth of spring light and I could only watch as they trod towards their demise at the dais where Abbess Germaine was accepting their vows to the Redwallian Order. They should have been lively and skipping around in the grass, skirts hiked up to their knees and headfur loose to the breeze. Instead, they were frocked, caped and wimpled. If I had functioning ducts, the sight would have brought tears to my eyes, but instead I laid a sorrowful paw over my heart.

"Should have worn black, Rath," I confessed. "'Tis as bad as a funeral."

"Shh," was his response and Mr. Formality kept his eyes focused forward. I cocked my head to the side and pondered for the thousandth time if the two of us were switched at birth. He always did have that more _noble_ sense of decorum then I did, but I blame my lack of it on my parents… and being the baby of the litter… and being rich. It's comical how easy it is to condemn your bad behaviour on being spoiled rotten- and how quickly others buy into it without question.

"Aw, now that's a waste," I sighed as a pretty lass walked past hidden beneath layers upon layers of gray fabric covering her from chin to footclaw. "See where her waist cord sits… ah, she's hiding a pair of long legs beneath that habit," I mumbled and winked at Florgin. "The longer the leg, the better the grip, eh laddie?"

Poor Florgin turned as red as the walls from ear to tail. So easy to rattle, that mouse was, at least when it came to maids.

"Lis, keep your voice down," Ratherwood muttered out of the side of his mouth and I even caught Martin flick an ear back at my comments. Seeing as it was more of a ceremony for the abbey's order, the laddie-buck got to skip the dais and hang back with us and though he stood at the vanguard of our sideline, no doubt he was catching every word I was saying. 'Gates, even Barklad had a good chuckle from that blurt and he was six beasts down from us; huh, I guess I wasn't being that quiet.

"Just pointing out the obvious is all, Rath," I whispered back. "What kind of creature would I be if I just stood there and watched them make the worst mistake of their lives without saying anything?"

"The kind of beast that isn't going to get _gagged_ for the next assembly."

It was Martin who grumbled that retort out and I skewed my face in thought and shrugged my shoulders, but held my tongue… for another two creatures before I started up again.

"Such a shame." I shook my head as a homely fieldmouse sauntered by, her oversized eyes dwarfing her stubby nose. "Such a terrible shame."

"That one?" Rowik gaped. "She's nothing to stare at Lis."

"Rookie," I scoffed and I heard Ratherwood mumble, 'here we go again,' as I cracked my knuckles and cleared my throat, lightly of course. "What do you mean she's nothing to stare at, Wikky?"

"Look at her face," he sneered. "It's nothing… pretty."

"So she's a butter-face," I chortled. "Look at those hips… whew! She'd be a screamer."

"Butter-face?" he asked with the innocence of a dawn. "What's a butter-face?"

I think every male's ears within twenty paces of me perked to hear my explanation. "A butter-face… everything is good, but-her-face!"

Paws clamped down hard on snouts, chuckles were covered up by coughs and heads bowed down to hide our grins. Across the way, the already vowed-in Brothers and Sisters stood as a solid wall of green habits with beady eyes glaring away at us (a.k.a. me) poking fun at their way of life. Ha! Poking fun. A truer pair of words there never was. _Poking_ was _fun_ and the whole lot of them simply had their tails in a knot they never got to or wouldn't ever get to do it again. It was all I could do not to bend over and tell them to kiss my ex-lordy bum.

Martin turned back to me, his eyes twinkling with laughter, and held a finger to his lips as he chuckling shushed me. "Button it," he said which as much authority as a butterfly- which is all be could probably muster at that particular time. _Button it_. The things these Midlanders think sound like threats.

There was a rustle of creatures and the overwhelming smell of pine needles and roasted chestnuts tickled my nostrils. I felt my shoulders stiffen in anticipated verbal combat. What the bloody hell was she doing over here?

"All of you had better hush up!" _Lady_ Amber hissed in my ear. "You're causing a scene."

"And you aren't?" I shot back before I could stop myself. There was something about that squirrelmaid that just rubbed me the wrong way… always. I turned to my right and there was Mossflower's illustrious squirrelqueen bedecked in her coronet and purple overrobe. You know, the way Amber stood with her tail curled over her shoulder made me feel like it should be sporting fangs and a forked tongue. The thing looked more like a hairy serpent than a beast's tail and the amount of rings she placed on it could have served as its markings. Just once, I wanted to jab a claw at the fluffy thing to see if it tried to bite back… just once.

"Well, somebeast had to come over and tell you _all,"_ she stressed and looked around at all of us still having a good smirk, "to be quiet. You're ruining the ceremony."

"Enlightening it, actually."

She bumbled on her words for a moment. "What would you know about it- you're only here for the food."

"Oh, look who finally caught on."

"Lis!" Martin and Ratherwood snapped at me in unison.

Amber narrowed her eyes and twitched the tufts in her ears. "Make a joke all you like, but just remember your friend there," she tipped her head to Martin, "had a mind to join the Order once; not to mention a few of your Southward fighters have as well!"

"The older ones that are done with war, lassie," I growled out, defensive as always to my legionnaires. "Veterans that deserve a well-rested retirement."

"They could have just gotten married," she huffed with a slow smile of self-proclaimed triumph curling her lips. "They could have married and put all these- what did you call the novices? Shames? - to good use."

Marriage. Ridiculous notion if there ever was one.

"Well, I guess the Order just had more going for them," I said and showed her my back. Seasons, did that ever piss her off- every time. Now it was my turn to smile. I loved a good fight; physical or verbal. Got my blood pumping and I knew, as did every beast around me knew with the exception of Queen Puff-tail, that I _never_ lost a fight.

"And why would that be?" she demanded.

I shrugged like it was nothing. "The Order offers something that marriage doesn't."

"And what's that?"

"Circumstance Dependability."

"Circumstance Depen- what?" she questioned. Everybeast within thirty paces literally turned their bodies towards our dispute. "What in the Seasons is that?"

"Circumstance Dependability, lassie," I said in a plain tone. "It simply means they know after twenty seasons- that Order is still going to _suck."_

The whooping laughter echoing up into the nave sounded my victory charge. Huh, I loved winning.


	2. Punishment

**Special thanks going out to those who reviewed the last chapter- koryandrs, Diane, MrDill and Saraa Luna.**

**And sorry, this wasn't posted earlier- I thought I had updated it last week... sigh. What can I say- it's been busy.**

**Now, the last chapter- yes, Lis' attitude was blunt, rude and well very Lis. That being said, he was always on the top rung of the ladder where people couldn't really reprimand him... not so much now... ;)**

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**Punishment  
**_Liswano_

For three whole hours I sat in the Abbess Apartments of Redwall before a panel of senior Brothers and Sisters and listened to them whinging over my crass behaviour, my snide remarks, my… how did Brother Montrel phrase it? Oh, yes – my disrespect for the Order of Redwall. I felt as though I was truly on trial: There I sat, in a chair pulled ten paces back from a long table occupied by Abbess Germaine and four other abbeybeasts, with Martin and Bella standing off to the side. At least they spared me the irritation of Lady Amber's company.

Over and over like a set of claws running down slate they berated me on my actions during the convocation ceremonies, not listening at all when I kept correcting them there was in fact _no action_, but that just seemed to make them madder than a bee from a clubbed hive. 'Gates, it was just words.

"This is a very important time in our novices' lives," Sister Meriam snapped and slapped her paw flat on the table before her. "And you made a mockery of it- making fun and causing a ruckus. The poor creatures were mortified…"

"They couldn't hear what I was saying," I said defensively and crossed my paws over my chest. "And as to the laughter- if beasts didn't agree with me, they wouldn't have found my comments funny."

"You just think everything is a joke," Montrel chimed in. "It is only because of our abbey, our _Order_, that you are alive to sit in that chair today; and yet you still point a claw and make jests at our hospitality-"

"See here, laddie, I'm alive because of your champion not your ruddy red walls, so don't start giving yourself airs." I hated when they played all lordy with me.

"Laddie?" he scoffed. "Liswano, I'm twice your age!"

"Aye, but you comprehend like half."

"You ungrateful toad-"

_"__Toad-_ I'm not the one wearing green."

"Enough." Abbess Germaine words were quiet, yet fell like a hammer to an anvil. At once the room went quiet. "All of your jabbering is hurting my ears."

"This is accomplishing nothing," Bella snarked from the sidelines. "Germaine, the Brothers and Sisters are simply throwing out complaints like accusations. And Liswano," she paused and gave Martin a sigh, "Liswano is being himself."

And who else did she think I was going to be? Fates' Fire, I had already locked up half of myself and thrown away the key- did they honestly think I was going to chain up the other half?

"What Lis said was inappropriate, yes," Martin relented, but held my gaze which meant he wasn't going to completely throw me under the ballista. "But the fact remains, none of the novices did hear his words."

"That doesn't make them any less wrong," Montrel countered. "He needs to be punished."

"If you are going to punish Lis for speaking, then you had better punish every other beast for laughing," Martin shrugged. "Myself included. I, too, laughed at his jests."

Meriam gaped. "But he was the one who said those hideous things- the one who started it…"

"And we were all the ones to end it when we sniggered. Insult is insult, whether it be from the creature who starts it or the one who ends it- both are just as guilty as the other."

"This is ridiculous."

"I second that motion." I piped in there and the four toads glared at me. Apparently I should have croaked. Literally.

"This is getting us nowhere," Germaine huffed out. "My dear Brothers and Sisters, Martin and Bella- would you excuse us. I would like a private word with Liswano."

Oh, great- private word. This ought to be rich.

They filed out and I stayed with my arse glued to the seat of the wooden chair, I wasn't rising for them. Martin was the last to leave and looked back at me over his shoulder; wagging a claw at me he mouthed the words 'behave' and I answered him with an exaggerated bob of my head and roll of my eyes. The sooner I got out of this tripe, the better.

"Now, Liswano," the abbess said in almost a wistful tone once the latch clicked shut on the door. "Would you mind adding another log to the fire? I'm afraid these old bones of mine feel the spring dampness a little more than they used to."

How could I say no to an old lady, eh? Without a word I slipped from my chair and went to the hearth. Stupid Orderites who made her fire. They had the logs built all wrong- piles upon piles of wood squished in on top of another; suffocating it so the fire couldn't breathe. Flames needed freedom to air in order to burn bright. They needed space and less restriction and…

"Interesting," Germaine mused as she came up behind me and settled on her cushioned chair. "Most creatures would have given it a few jabs with a poker and tossed on a few more pieces."

I latched onto another log with the pinchers and moved it to the side of the grate, off the main blaze. Almost instantly the fire roared up again into a swirl of orange and yellow flares. "I'm not most creatures, Mother Abbess."

"No, you are not, Liswano," she confirmed and motioned for me to take up the other pillowed armchair. "Tea?"

"No thanks."

"Cordial?"

"I'm fine."

There was a pause between us and she cocked her head to the side to look at me over her spectacles. "This is the time when you tell me what really happened, Lis."

I just blinked at her. "You know what happened."

"I heard you ran your mouth," she retorted. "I didn't hear why."

I pondered that phrase for a moment. Why. Loaded word if ever there was one. The type Ratherwood would have a hayday with analyzing and debating; but for me, it meant simple give me your reason for doing something.

"I don't really know why," I confessed. "Just how I felt about the whole thing, I suppose."

"You feel the creatures joining the Order are wasting their lives?"

"When they are young and have the world in front of them, yes." It was a plain answer, but a truthful one.

"But it is their choice," she countered and swept a gestured paw around the room, "perhaps being part of the Redwall Order is the world in front of them. Have you ever thought of that, Lis?"

_No._

"It is hard for an outsider to understand sometimes," she continued at my blank expression. "But when it comes down to it, it is what the beast makes it. To some it is retirement, to others camaraderie; to some, it is security, to others, its hope. But whatever the motives are for joining us, it is peace at the heart of it. That is what the Order stands for- peace for all kind."

"Peace is not always won with a kind word and a habit," I argued. "Most times it is won at the point of a blade."

"Yes, and that is why there are brave creatures such as yourself to fight for us when words are past the call of regard."

Again there was silence between us and I started getting antsy. I alternated strumming my claws on the armrest and tapping my footpaw, all the while keeping my eyes glued on the fire.

"You hate sitting still, Liswano," she observed. "Why?"

"You sit still too long and you start to grow roots," I blabbed out an old saying. Germaine laughed and leaned forward in her chair.

"You know why they say that?" she said, her eyes twinkling. "It means- you sit long enough and think about it, you'll start to conform." I gave a snort and a short laugh, and she stretched back up and waved her paw. "Just the adult version of sending a naughty Dibbun to their room or sit them in a corner. If they think about it long enough, they start to see it your way."

I chuckled. "Never worked much on me as a lad."

"No, you fell asleep in your chair waiting to be released no doubt." It was amazing to me how Abbess Germaine could read a beast so well, she could even correctly recount things that happened in our past- a past she would have never known about. She was right of course- I did sit in the corner many times and many times I fell asleep waiting for grown-ups to see things _my way._

"Which is why I dismissed the others," she continued. "You would have sat in that chair until we were all blue in the face, arguing your point until sheer frustration would have commanded us to dismiss you."

"They didn't hear anything…" I sighed and prepared to start again, but Germaine raised her paw.

"I don't want to hear it. You acted disrespectfully towards our new novices and will never do that again." It was not a question, but a statement. "Though I do feel you need to be involved more with our ways if you are going to gain an appreciation of our Order."

"Aha, what?" I said nervously. "You want me to become like… you?"

"No, not at all," she simpered and pulled her shawl closer around her frail shoulders. "I want you to find a purpose for yourself in the abbey- something more than patrolling and training. I want you to contribute to Redwall so that you may learn of our importance first paw and that others may learn to respect you in other ways than for a quick joke."

"Like what?" I was almost afraid to ask… no, I was afraid to ask. Seasons of scrubbing pots and cleaning windows flashed before my eyes.

"Oh, you'll think of something," she smiled at me. "You have a week to think on it."

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**A little bit more of a serious chapter, but one that leads into something quite interesting about Lis... not to mention a few more laughs in the next installment. ;)**


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